Just Keep Going

Well hello old friends. It’s been a while since I’ve wrote a blog. A lot has changed since then so I figured I’d update you all on my health journey. This is a very open and personal blog so I hope some of you can read this and realize that most of what you see on social media is fake. Everyone is going through something, they just choose not to broadcast it to the world. So here I am, a few years since my last blog post and A LOT has changed. 

When I launched this website, I had just retired from softball. That was back in 2018. I dove deep into personal development and got my training certification and transformed my body. If you go back to my main page of this website, that is what I looked like. I was weighing in at 155ish pounds (which is the lowest I had ever been) and all I did was cardio and HIIT. I never tested my strength, all I wanted to do was burn as many calories as I could. I didn’t count calories or macros. I was also only 29 years old. 

Now here I am, weighing in at 180lb at age 33. Not at my ideal weight but I am stronger than I have ever been. I have been trying to fix my relationship with food because for the last couple years, I would under eat and binge on weekends. I restricted food groups and deemed them as bad or unhealthy. I not once worried about food when I was playing softball. It was never my focus. I just wanted to feel good, move well and perform. When I no longer had softball to train for and dedicate most of my energy to, I put it into nutrition and training. It turned into an unhealthy obsession. One of the hardest things in my life was transitioning from athlete to non-athlete. We all go through the process in a different way and I am opening up and sharing the dark side of the last few years. 

After 2 years of being in an unhealthy cycle of overtraining, under-eating and binging, I said enough is enough. I have been struggling to achieve my aesthetic goals so now I am taking action in fixing my metabolism and healing my relationship with food. I am currently reverse dieting or as some people like to call it “bulking.” Not ideal for the summer time as I would rather be losing but I keep telling myself that this is a process and is going to take time. I am now on week 10 of my reverse diet phase and consuming 2400 calories a day with 240g of carbs a day. Pretty sure I wouldn’t even get that many carbs in in a whole week before. I feared them because I thought they would make me gain weight. CARBS DON’T MAKE YOU FAT.

In the beginning of this reverse diet process, I was feeling really good and seeing a change in my body composition. But as I got to the higher calories (like now) I started to notice some weight gain. I am human and have days where I overate and enjoyed pizza and cookies. But life goes on and you get right back on track. If you are familiar with reverse dieting, you know that you are supposed to gain a couple pounds in the process. You test to see where your intake threshold is and get your body to adjust to needing that many calories. It has been taking a toll on me mentally and I am not liking what I see in the mirror. It doesn’t help that I have to weight myself daily as I am constantly defining myself by that number. As someone who is a very confident person, its hard to not like what you see. I find myself wearing baggier clothes because I just don’t want anyone to see the weight I have gained. I think I look bigger than I actually am but that’s also the whole body dysmorphia thing I got going on.

But here I am waking up every day and telling myself: This is all a part of the process. While eating all this food, I realized one bad meal isn’t going to make me bigger. I’m consuming foods I once feared on a daily basis and enjoying the hell out of it. As much as I would like to be in the losing phase, I sure as heck am loving eating all this food. Like a true Italian, I am a foodie. My body was craving more calories as I train like a maniac. That’s one thing I am very proud of. No matter how I feel about myself, I show up 6 mornings a week and put in the work. I also make sure I take my de-load weeks as my body deserves rest too. I may not see it now but once I get to the next phase in my nutrition plan, it will all come through. Those tiny victories are important to acknowledge as they are turning points in your journey.

The way I train has changed tremendously, too. I make strength training a priority and supplement with some cardio a couple times a week. I have seen a crazy jump in my strength and now train for performance rather than just chasing a feeling. So, for my cardio bunnies out there, I was once you. There is something so empowering about lifting heavy weights and seeing progress month to month. Strength training makes me feel good. I am a big advocate for training what makes you feel your best as we are all so different. But implementing strength training in some way is so important to our overall health and longevity. Especially as we age. Muscle is the organ of longevity.

The next move I made for myself was getting blood work done to see if anything was off hormonally as it could also be a reason I am having a hard time losing weight. I hate seeing TikToks and Instagram posts of peoples calorie deficit days and that in order to lose fat WE NEED TO BE IN A DEFICIT. While scientifically all that is true, but for a lot of us it’s much deeper than that. It could be an underlying health issue or a metabolism issue that needs to be addressed. So please don’t fall in the trap of comparing your journey to anyone else. Stay the course and keep doing you. I have that appointment to go over my blood work with the doctor in a couple weeks and I am so excited to hear what she has to say. The doctor is a female and has competed in body building competitions so I like that I can ask her questions in relation to nutrition and training. 

Our bodies change. What we looked like then shouldn’t be something we should be pressing to look like now. I am trying so hard everyday to appreciate my body for all that it does for me rather than just what it looks like. We are so much more than a body. So whatever journey you’re on right now, just know that you are not alone. I will keep sharing mine and being more consistent in hopes of helping others. I truly believe that we are only given a path that we can handle. Life is tough but so are you. Just keep going.

XO -G