Nothing F*cking Matters

My heart and soul hurts. I’m angry. I don’t understand why bad things can happen to such amazing people. I lost someone who was a big part of my teen years. She was my softball and volleyball coach in high school. Her name is Kaylyn Bayly. She meant so much to me and so many others. I wouldn’t have been able to make it through high school without her.

Reading everyone’s posts on social media since her passing just goes to show how many lives she has truly impacted. She was special. She knew the game and made athletes better but she also took the time to connect with every individual on a deeper level. She saw us as people first and athletes second. She also had an intimidation factor about her. In a good way of course. You would not dare disrespect her or make her upset. But on the flip side, she was the first one there when something was wrong. I admired that balance. She was a spit fire. Curse words were adjectives and she wouldn’t go a few sentences without using one. She was funny, sarcastic, witty and very giving. She was the reason I was able to get a bag of chips everyday from the vending machine (Spicy Nacho Doritos, IYKYK). I would steal quarters from her desk, so technically she didn’t give them to me. But every time I’d go back to get more, it was always refilled, she knew. And can we talk about her shoe game?? She had a new pair of Nikes every week and a perfectly matching shirt. She was the most stylish. Those are just some of the little things that I loved so much about her.

My relationship with her went beyond the softball field. She was like a second Mom or a big sister. She was included in family holidays and big life events. She never judged me and always supported me. She was there for me in some of the hardest times of my life. She was always someone I could rely on and talk to no matter what. Because of who she was, I felt okay being me. Let me explain.

High school is a crucial part of our growth as a teen. We think we know it all and have it all figured out but we really have no idea. High school was a turning point in my life because it was when I realized I wasn’t like everyone else. I wasn’t sure how to go about it. I honestly felt like I was doing something wrong. But because of Coach Bayly, I felt seen, heard and understood. I am a part of the LGBTQIA+ community and it didn’t occur to me that I was until high school. I was very young so I was told it was just a phase. It definitely wasn’t as visible and supported as it is now. You hear about all these young kids and athletes taking their lives because of too much pressure and not being accepted. Maybe those kids were missing a Coach Bayly in their lives. You never truly know how many lives you are saving and impacting just by being you. And because Coach Bayly was her, I was OKAY with being my true authentic self. She was the foundation of my growing confidence and made me realize that I was perfect just as I was. She was that one person I needed. And I know she was that one person for a lot of other people, too.

The last few days since finding out her disease took a turn for the worst, I have been angry, quiet and emotional. There is no right or wrong way to deal with losing someone you care about. Everyone processes trauma differently. I immediately regretted all the years I could have reached out and tried to see her. I’ve talked about it, but never followed through with plans. I’m so mad at myself for that. But when something devastating happens, it re-sets my perspective on life.

For me that was: Nothing f*cking matters. The daily mishaps we dwell on are so small in the grand scheme of things. You get a flat tire, who the F cares. The weather is bad and you wanted to go the beach, who the F cares. You spilled your coffee, who the F cares. How many times have we let these small things linger for the rest of the day and even week? I do it A LOT. We respond as if these little things are the end of the world. But in reality, THEY DON’T F*CKING MATTER. What actually matters? Your health. Your family and relationships. Time spent with the ones you love. Experiences. Traveling to see the beauty of the world with our own eyes & not just through social media and pictures. We may not have control over what happens to us but what we do have control over is how we react to them. Anger blocks any future blessings coming into your life and it blinds you from the blessings that are right in front of you. Don’t sweat the small stuff, there is so much more to life.

If there is anything I learned from Coach Bayly it was to just be yourself. You are GREAT as you are now. We are all so beautifully made. Own every aspect of who you are. Be kind. Be a helping hand and an open ear. You never know who truly needs you. Fight for what you want. Speak up for the things you believe in. Don’t let anyone silence you.

I hope she rests peacefully knowing she was loved and cherished by so many. She was a game changer. Her legacy will live far beyond the field, court or the classroom. She will live forever in all of our hearts as an incredible human being that was taken from this earth way too soon. Be sure to tell your people you love them every opportunity you have. And never forget to live every day to the fullest. I miss you and I’lI love you forever Coach Bayly. Because of you, I felt good about being me. Thank you for simply being you.

“Be the things you loved most about the people who are gone”

XO -G